Florence - August 2014

It was when nothing else mattered, I was dead, and then I woke up remembering things in the wrong order, and in the wrong reality. Who and what matters the most to me? In this moment, I knew clearly who they were.

In my foggy memory, I remember someone asked if I have somebody to call. I spoke her name and her phone number in English. And then black out. And I was talking about something, somewhere in the hospital.

I woke up. With her and him. I remembered she was not even in Italy, she must have been flying all the way from Poland to the hospital. I didn't even remember which country I was in. And who the hell was he? And then black out.

I woke up. With him asking me my email password, my phone password. Such a miracle, I remember all those. Oh, and I remember him now. And then black out.

I woke up. With her asking me if I was feeling okay. My answer: "My legs are numb" (what a silly answer). Some missing conversation that I can't remember. And then black out.

"Honey, get better and listen to the doctor, okay?" 

"Okay"

"Promise?" 

"Promise" (holy shit, even I was not conscious I still made a promise)

I woke up. Dialing mum's number, Ruby's number and asking her to transfer message to Jun. I dialed Nat's number. And I remember our status was like before, and AVIA was still very beautiful. And then black out.

I woke up. The nurse was doing something on me. She dropped the scissor on the floor and she used the same thing to cut bandage for me. Don't touch me!

I woke up. Who the fuck keep calling "Danielle, Danielle, Danielle" next to me? Let people rest, come on!

I woke up. They were transferring my bed to somewhere. Where was I going?

I woke up. A brand new room with 3 other old folks. Tada! Shit, why I end up here with ... no clothes! No keepsake! And no familiar face here! But there were 2 tiny pieces of paper with careful handwriting & even the promise I made ( :D )

I woke up. Thank God, I had these paper, the only things that I held on to. They reminded me where I went, and why I was here

I woke up. A text message from her. Oh my god... I was so happy. "Payment declined. Please help." Really, K?

I woke up. Being the bold Mio again. Remember more and more things day by day. But details of those days were all what I remembered.

Something / some moment I never wanted to forget but I did.

While there was 1 person I wanted to forget but I couldn't.

Poland Aug 2014

After my accident, one of my Romanian colleagues told me "Smell is the best trigger of memory". I turned away and said "It's true". That was the damnest truth. There was a sleeveless T-shirt that was washed at your flat that I kept with me untouched, just because there was the smell of home, the smell of memories about you. I missed you terribly, more than I could bear.

I came back. Accidentally, you were still the one that picked me up at the airport. And unexpectedly, I had a chance to return home. I remember every details about home, about you but I can't just remember my feeling about you. The girl that I was completely in love with, where are you? An. She was sitting at the balcony, smoking cigarette guessing me that I don't remember her. No, I will never forget her who broke me into pieces last year on my last day in Poland when I made an effort to return home.

I was right. That 1 week at home 1 year ago was the only week that I could feel the same. After that, things will be very different. I'm glad that I had nothing to lose and gave my all. Gave my all to you.

If there is one thing I wish I could erase from my memory after the accident, I wish I forgot my memories about you.

"Home is where the heart is". I had a place that I felt belonged.

I don't belong here anymore. Coming back just to make me realize that even how much I tried to be a part of your life or M's life, I can't. Not even as a friend. I'm sad because you were the truest feeling I've ever had with someone, K...

"At some point …you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life."

Fate

Some people meet each other even though they stay thousand miles away. Some make friends, some remain just acquaintances.

I believe in fate, but only in first time meeting. Later, it's a choice. How many chances one person can have with their fate?

I'm coming home in 2 weeks. Please, brook, don't get broken by the same person twice. She made a choice, and it wasn't you.

Home

There's a place I call home. Where I could watch her sleeping everyday, so near yet so far. Where I see her playing with her son and say "I love you" to him. Where every morning, with the radio is on, I see her beautifully simple when cooks breakfast. Where he extends his hands just to hug me when he thought that I wouldn't come back. I love his mother. Home is where the heart is.

I'm coming home in 1 month.

But it feels like shit too knowing that there's nobody waiting for you in that home anyway...

Mine?

..."Years come by and still. Words don't come easily like "I love you, I love you". But you can say "Baby, baby can i hold you tonight? Maybe if I told you the right words at the right time, you'd be mine"...

You'd not be mine even I did :)

Broken

The worst wound is the scar in your heart. Sometimes, I wish you were still alive, so I could remind myself how it still felt like family between you and me, and that I wouldn't be alone in facing & solving bro and mum's argument. And that I wouldn't need to be my brother's "mother". I would know, there would be at least 1 person to hold my hand and tell me "Everything is fine, you don't have to worry about it". I miss you dad, now, more than anytime

A year+

Your birthday is coming in 15 days and I was supposed to be in Poland as planned but couldn't make it due to AVIA situation.

This year, I don't have the courage to prepare anything for you anymore. 'Cz I know for sure it will break my heart while doing so. How I wish I could draw something again after the drawing I made for you last year birthday. I tried and tried many times later, but I failed. There's no inspiration and every lines remind me of how happy I was back then, not broken pieces like now.

I wonder and recount, how many chances that we got together, to meet each other face to face, chances to only maybe even talk online. All of them, besides the beautiful memories, things happen all the way just to lead to 1 conclusion: it's pushing you further and further away from my reach. And the best I could do to heal myself everyday is keep reminding me that "everything happens for some reason"

I got to know a girl who looks a bit like you - just a little bit because she looks sharper, taller, thinner and younger. Your smile is softer, you in overall looks more innocent and older, sometimes ugly when you make fun of yourself. Talking to her is like a bullet to my heart again, remind me endlessly how much I miss you, and that my heart is still with you. How pathetic...

Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies, only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies, only time

Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart
Night keeps all your heart

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
- Only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time

Who knows? Only time