Florence - August 2014

It was when nothing else mattered, I was dead, and then I woke up remembering things in the wrong order, and in the wrong reality. Who and what matters the most to me? In this moment, I knew clearly who they were.

In my foggy memory, I remember someone asked if I have somebody to call. I spoke her name and her phone number in English. And then black out. And I was talking about something, somewhere in the hospital.

I woke up. With her and him. I remembered she was not even in Italy, she must have been flying all the way from Poland to the hospital. I didn't even remember which country I was in. And who the hell was he? And then black out.

I woke up. With him asking me my email password, my phone password. Such a miracle, I remember all those. Oh, and I remember him now. And then black out.

I woke up. With her asking me if I was feeling okay. My answer: "My legs are numb" (what a silly answer). Some missing conversation that I can't remember. And then black out.

"Honey, get better and listen to the doctor, okay?" 

"Okay"

"Promise?" 

"Promise" (holy shit, even I was not conscious I still made a promise)

I woke up. Dialing mum's number, Ruby's number and asking her to transfer message to Jun. I dialed Nat's number. And I remember our status was like before, and AVIA was still very beautiful. And then black out.

I woke up. The nurse was doing something on me. She dropped the scissor on the floor and she used the same thing to cut bandage for me. Don't touch me!

I woke up. Who the fuck keep calling "Danielle, Danielle, Danielle" next to me? Let people rest, come on!

I woke up. They were transferring my bed to somewhere. Where was I going?

I woke up. A brand new room with 3 other old folks. Tada! Shit, why I end up here with ... no clothes! No keepsake! And no familiar face here! But there were 2 tiny pieces of paper with careful handwriting & even the promise I made ( :D )

I woke up. Thank God, I had these paper, the only things that I held on to. They reminded me where I went, and why I was here

I woke up. A text message from her. Oh my god... I was so happy. "Payment declined. Please help." Really, K?

I woke up. Being the bold Mio again. Remember more and more things day by day. But details of those days were all what I remembered.

Something / some moment I never wanted to forget but I did.

While there was 1 person I wanted to forget but I couldn't.

Poland Aug 2014

After my accident, one of my Romanian colleagues told me "Smell is the best trigger of memory". I turned away and said "It's true". That was the damnest truth. There was a sleeveless T-shirt that was washed at your flat that I kept with me untouched, just because there was the smell of home, the smell of memories about you. I missed you terribly, more than I could bear.

I came back. Accidentally, you were still the one that picked me up at the airport. And unexpectedly, I had a chance to return home. I remember every details about home, about you but I can't just remember my feeling about you. The girl that I was completely in love with, where are you? An. She was sitting at the balcony, smoking cigarette guessing me that I don't remember her. No, I will never forget her who broke me into pieces last year on my last day in Poland when I made an effort to return home.

I was right. That 1 week at home 1 year ago was the only week that I could feel the same. After that, things will be very different. I'm glad that I had nothing to lose and gave my all. Gave my all to you.

If there is one thing I wish I could erase from my memory after the accident, I wish I forgot my memories about you.

"Home is where the heart is". I had a place that I felt belonged.

I don't belong here anymore. Coming back just to make me realize that even how much I tried to be a part of your life or M's life, I can't. Not even as a friend. I'm sad because you were the truest feeling I've ever had with someone, K...

"At some point …you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life."

Fate

Some people meet each other even though they stay thousand miles away. Some make friends, some remain just acquaintances.

I believe in fate, but only in first time meeting. Later, it's a choice. How many chances one person can have with their fate?

I'm coming home in 2 weeks. Please, brook, don't get broken by the same person twice. She made a choice, and it wasn't you.

Home

There's a place I call home. Where I could watch her sleeping everyday, so near yet so far. Where I see her playing with her son and say "I love you" to him. Where every morning, with the radio is on, I see her beautifully simple when cooks breakfast. Where he extends his hands just to hug me when he thought that I wouldn't come back. I love his mother. Home is where the heart is.

I'm coming home in 1 month.

But it feels like shit too knowing that there's nobody waiting for you in that home anyway...

Mine?

..."Years come by and still. Words don't come easily like "I love you, I love you". But you can say "Baby, baby can i hold you tonight? Maybe if I told you the right words at the right time, you'd be mine"...

You'd not be mine even I did :)

Broken

The worst wound is the scar in your heart. Sometimes, I wish you were still alive, so I could remind myself how it still felt like family between you and me, and that I wouldn't be alone in facing & solving bro and mum's argument. And that I wouldn't need to be my brother's "mother". I would know, there would be at least 1 person to hold my hand and tell me "Everything is fine, you don't have to worry about it". I miss you dad, now, more than anytime

A year+

Your birthday is coming in 15 days and I was supposed to be in Poland as planned but couldn't make it due to AVIA situation.

This year, I don't have the courage to prepare anything for you anymore. 'Cz I know for sure it will break my heart while doing so. How I wish I could draw something again after the drawing I made for you last year birthday. I tried and tried many times later, but I failed. There's no inspiration and every lines remind me of how happy I was back then, not broken pieces like now.

I wonder and recount, how many chances that we got together, to meet each other face to face, chances to only maybe even talk online. All of them, besides the beautiful memories, things happen all the way just to lead to 1 conclusion: it's pushing you further and further away from my reach. And the best I could do to heal myself everyday is keep reminding me that "everything happens for some reason"

I got to know a girl who looks a bit like you - just a little bit because she looks sharper, taller, thinner and younger. Your smile is softer, you in overall looks more innocent and older, sometimes ugly when you make fun of yourself. Talking to her is like a bullet to my heart again, remind me endlessly how much I miss you, and that my heart is still with you. How pathetic...

Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies, only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies, only time

Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart
Night keeps all your heart

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
- Only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time

Who knows? Only time

Am I?

"A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go"

It isn't only about staying & fixing issues with someone you love, it sometimes takes more courage to walk away from her who means so much to you because being strong is the only option you have...

Goodbye

Wow, the last time I blogged was so long time ago

Things change faster than I can imagine

June 2012 - join AVIA, be one of the only 3 people of pre-opening team. My life turned upside down because of this. The project that I'm so proud of and I can talk non stop about. But it affects  my life badly in a way that I myself dont realise

Jan 2013 - broke up my 3-year-relationship. Partly it is because of my work and it seems there is no solution to solve this. I, for the first and also the last time, agree that we will go separate ways

Apr 2013 - got promoted to E-Commerce Deputy Manager. I was really happy

Oct 2013 - got promoted again to E-Commerce Manager but I dont love being this person yet. I'm trying everyday to not let them down who put trust in me for the company's future.

I only have 24 years of life until now. It may be too early to say. But the most memorable, most intense, most painful but most beautiful memory of love that I've ever had was with her. Katarzyna Bauer. I love her...

There is nothing can exquisitely hurt as loving someone who doesnt love you back. And once you recover from it all by yourself, you will learn to appreciate, be wiser and be stronger for the next time you fall in love again

"People dont cry because they are weak. They cry because they were strong for too long" - Johny Depp.

Bursted into tears in the middle of shower today when I made a decision to forget this feeling about her to focus totally on my work. I realise i was strong for too long. But there is no regret, I let her know and I tried my best for time im in Poland

Dear,

I had less than a week to be this close to you, and starting from the following week, I will had to let you go with someone may be able to take care for you better than me doing that from thousands miles away. Make a topic about something makes me hurt the most just to make sure that you are alright with her. I thought I could handle it with a normal mood, but I couldnt, it broke me into pieces when I came as a surprise for you and Adam to hug him goodbye. It was never meant for her...

When you held my hand to cross the street, when you hugged me on the bed when I was so drunk, what I wanted to do was holding you more, just a little bit longer...

"Hold, hold me for a while. I know this wont last forever. So hold, hold me tonight, before the morning takes you away"

bday of my significant other

Dear My Significant Other,

A toy for you as usual
Days to spend with you
First time experience
Miserable but happy and warm
Walk so much but not tired
Walking next to you make my tiredness go away
Only heading to the destination
Nothing can replace how it is

2 beer bottles
Limited designs
The first time I enjoy drinking that much
Knowing that I can cover for you later on
Watching you sleep soundly
Feeling you as near as it is
Hugging you and wish you morning
Brushing teeth and wiping your hair
Oh how special

There was more than what you expected for today
Which I guess there are more people that you expect the least can make you happy in such a very simple way

I'm glad I'm one of them which can enlighten your day
Well, not only today, but everyday that it can be
To see your smile, your naughtiness and your happiness

Which I know there's nothing else can replace
Hold your hand, ommmm you tight not only for today
But today give you promotion extra yea wekeke

P.S.: there's my ex-colleague has the same birthday as you (same day, same month, same year) and the character hmmmm not same hehehe

My multipurpose soul mate, happy birthday! muackssssssss ommmmmmmmmm

(weird poem, a bit like poem a bit like song..... but this is it my feeling to show how I love you :P)

Valentine

People around me asking

Where do I go?

Not hanging out?

Got any gift?

I've seen many things so called romantic

Flowers

Chocolate

Candles

Yet the romantic part in me is very simple

Is letting everyday passes by just like Valentine

Romantic stuffs don't last

But simple happiness do

Not showing off, not overwhelming, not "wow"

But something can't be bought by money

It's the love that I'm having

It's you...

"Love isnt just an one day vow, but a life time inspiration.

Im glad i wake up waking you up,

Im glad i sleep with you accompanying me regardless time and space difference

Im glad when people talk about their love ones. I have you to relate.

Im glad i've grown up with you

Im glad to have you..."

Thank you, my dear... :)

Roysbokk Rearrange

Suddenly realize it's pretty nice name

and meaningful

I'm roysbokk most of the time but rearrange I can be myself

not moody, not obsessed, not disguised

A person stays behind the screen crazily wearing the headphone without listening to music

But how many people can accept this real me?

like a puzzle box

u need to try and error to find out

where is the perfect fit

where is the possibility if u try wrongly (cause mre time to fix d puzzle --")

like a scribble

whatever you get

you gonna make use of it

and make it the best for your own

like a godfather maze board

wherever you get

you need to do something to be able to continue

easy or hard

it's where you need to go

knowing that finally you will reach

and....it's time to see doctor already

to perfectly rearrange myself

(hint is available)

Moments

Type it out and deleted it all

Moments are meant to be remembered

How I wish I can remember them differently

When I can say I love you at the airport for my departure

Dad...

Type it out and deleted it all

Moments are meant to be remembered

How I wish I can remember them differently

When I can have a "full" graduation day with you

Jie...

Type it out and deleted it all

Moments are meant to be remembered

How I wish I can remember them differently

When I wasn't too busy to work instead of hugging you and playing with you

Dear...

Typed it out and deleted it all

Moments are meant to be remembered

How I wish I can om you before going back to "see my dad away"

How I wish I can stay with you when your car was broken down

How I wish I gave you a hug when you drove away

....

Typed it out and deleted it all...

Thank you

thank you miracle

at least something in my life is this beautiful

being able to find you again, not in just my dream but is in real

and for having you being by my side

lift me up, hold my hand

warm me up, hear me out

and loving me for who i really am

kau ilhamku...

thank you, the hand... for staying

The Hand

The hand
That pinches me
Hits me
Always be ready to squeeze my pimples with devilish face

The hand
That pinches my nose when another hand is holding a book to read for me
Rubs my head but never fixes after that and laugh because of the look of me
Wipes on my shirts when it's wet or something is sticking on it
And puts pepper or soya sauce into my drinks

The hand
That cheats whenever playing some game
That secretly throws meat to me and steals my mouse
Punches hippo
Throws hippo
And digs his noses

The hand
That pulls my pants
Being noty to block me from going to the toilet
Purposely hits outside to make me run while playing ping pong or badminton
That pulls my ears
And happily picks 'things' in there out for me

The hand
That plucks my legs' hair
Steals my drinks
Tickles my feet
Unties my shoelaces
As well as throwing my slippers away

But then that hand
Leads me to where I should buy another slippers
And if I've ever almost fell down
It is there to hold me tight

The hand
That covers my eyes
From violent scene, or something I'm scared of
And it silently takes my tears away
While another one is hugging me from shivering

The hand
That can't draw well neither be able to cut straight
Yet it makes for me a handmade birthday card

The hand
That captures my moments
Patiently fixes the kite
Checks if I'm inside
And finally is always silently covering blanket

The hand
That washes dishes
Cleans my fan
That buy Strepsil for noty throat
And hugs me when I am sick and no electric available

The hand
That drives me to happiness
Stops me from danger
And wraps around me just to say goodbye

The hand
That holds umbrella outside
Waiting while it was raining heavily
Keep rubbing me if I was not warm enough
And if I keep sweating due to hot
The hand is there to wipe for me

The hand
That holds my shoulders when I'm riding
Pats on me to signal me to go
Holds the helmet when it's going to fly away
Or holds a cup for me whenever I need to drink
And zips up my jacket if I ever say that I'm cold

The hand

That buys lunch for me
Hold me while changing gear

After running under the rain afraid I will be hungry at home

That helps me to apply eye drop

And washes hair for me

That same hand

Peels crabs

Takes vegy

And cook many things for me

The hand
Not hard, not dry, nor strong enough
But soft, fragile, and easy to 'run away'
Yet is the tightest and the warmest hand that I'm proud to have...
But I'm willing to let it go to fly high

Thanks for everything, the hand...
Stay warm and peaceful...

I'm Sorry

"When you lost something, you found something instead"

1st time ever, I'm able to see you in my dream. Your were always going to appear but never before.. I see it again...your voice, your appearance, your watch, your green shirt (as a day care teacher)... everything is still so clear, what my memory remembers about you, remain unchanged.. is it a sign? I'll try, at least I try to find you just like how I do in my dream.. and please...

I'm sorry for being such a silly kid by that time, receiving your special care but I ran away, tried to hide and found the other ways so you wouldn't see me for no reason!

You were more than a mom to me, who gave me that K milk when I was sick. When I grow up I know it was VinamilK with the K capital instead. It tasted nice, even nicer when I was sick. I don't like milk but sometimes I do drink it for this haunted memory in me. When mom picked me up late, you warmed me up with a bread (got chili though), when I fell down, you applied medicine, you spared only me when the whole class was punished and if had to punish me, I still got the least painful one, you gave only me your house phone number and your full name... and my birthday you gave me a big bear which I named Duba...

15 years for being a coward, I always wanted to go back there to find you. But I didn't. That place was where all my best memory of my family, of you which it breaks me into pieces if I see it again.

I was very stupid for so many years, wrote to you during 20 November and received a sorry letter said that my teacher moved before they even started renting. But her handwriting was very alike yours, you know... so I thought...

Please, I have lost something I treasured the most recently, let me find you once again... I'm sorry

The Hand (updated version)

The hand
That pinches me
Hits me
Always be ready to squeeze my pimples with devilish face

The hand
That pinches my nose when another hand is holding a book to read for me
Rubs my head but never fixes after that and laugh because of the look of me
Wipes on my shirts when it's wet or something is sticking on it
And puts pepper or soya sauce into my drinks

The hand
That cheats whenever playing some game
That secretly throws meat to me and steals my mouse
Punches hippo
Throws hippo
And digs his noses

The hand
That pulls my pants
Being noty to block me from going to the toilet
Purposely hits outside to make me run while playing ping pong or badminton
That pulls my ears
And happily picks 'things' in there out for me

The hand
That plucks my legs' hair
Tickles my feet
Unties my shoelaces
As well as throwing my slippers away

But then that hand
Leads me to where I should buy another slippers
And if I've ever almost fell down
It is there to hold me tight

The hand
That covers my eyes
From violent scene, or something I'm scared of
And it silently takes my tears away
While another one is hugging me from shivering

The hand
That can't draw well neither be able to cut straight
Yet it makes for me a handmade birthday card

The hand
That captures my moments
Patiently fixes the kite
Checks if I'm inside
And finally is always silently covering blanket

The hand
That washes dishes
Cleans my fan
That buy Strepsil for noty throat
And hugs me when I am sick and no electric available

The hand
That drives me to happiness
Stops me from danger
And wraps around me just to say goodbye

The hand
That holds umbrella outside
Waiting while it was raining heavily
Keep rubbing me if I was not warm enough
And if I keep sweating due to hot
The hand is there to wipe for me

The hand
That holds my shoulders when I'm riding
Pats on me to signal me to go
Holds the helmet when it's going to fly away
Or holds a cup for me whenever I need to drink
And zips up my jacket if I ever say that I'm cold

The hand

That buys lunch for me

After running under the rain afraid I will be hungry at home

That helps me to apply eye drop

And washes hair for me

That same hand

Peels crabs

Takes vegy

And cook many things for me

The hand
Not hard, not dry, nor strong enough
But soft, fragile, and easy to 'run away'
Yet is the tightest and the warmest hand that I'm proud to have...

Jalur Gemilang

Merahmu bara semangat waja

Putihmu bersih budi pekerti

Kuning berdaulat payung negara

Biru perpaduan kami semua

Puncak dunia telah kau tawan

Lautan luas telah kau redah

Membawa semangat jiwa merdeka

Semarak jaya kami warganya

Empat belas melintang jalurnya

Semua negeri dalam Malaysia

Satu suary satu semangat

Itu sumpah warga berdaulat

Jalur gemilang... di bawah naunganmu

Jalur gemilang... kami semua bersatu

Perpaduan ketaatan

Amalan murni rakyat Malaysia

Jalur gemilang... megah kami terasa

Jalur gemilang... kibarkanlah wawasan

Merah putih biru kuning

Jalur semangat kami semua

Berkibarlah

Berkibarlah

berkibarlah

Jalur gemilang

Memory of 31 August 1957

No idea what the song sings T.T but I'm sure every Malaysian should be very proud of

Been here for 4 years, I'm 1/5 Malaysian with the age of 21 haha

After coming back from Singapore, I still prefer Malaysia as my 2nd country

Though the language is still a barrier but it is what makes Malaysia special

Better than you don't even have your own language for your own country

Happy Merdeka! And thank you to all of you who helped me out with my feature writing of this topic!

Tiếng Việt và người Việt Nam

Tiếng Việt - công cụ tạo nên người Việt Nam bên cạnh phẩm chất, sự nghèo đói, bản sắc dân tộc và thành tích trong lịch sử chiến tranh. Nói chung, người Việt Nam chỉ vì những điều kể trên thôi cũng nên ít nhất tự 1 lần cảm thấy kiêu hãnh 'Tôi là người Việt Nam'.

Tiếng Việt - 1 nghệ thuật trộn lẫn giữa hệ thống chữ phổ thông và các thanh dấu tạo nên ngôn ngữ. Trên thế giới, hầu hết hệ thống ngôn ngữ 1 là hệ thống chữ phổ thông, 2 là hệ thống chữ tượng hình. Tiếng Việt đứng ở vị trí 1.5 tức là vừa phổ thông vừa được tô thêm 1 vài thanh dấu nhỏ tạo nên sự khác biệt.

Nhờ có Tiếng Việt, như những đất nước khác, người Việt Nam xứng đáng tự hào vì họ có 1 ngôn ngữ khác với tiếng Anh

Ấy vậy mà...

Người Việt Nam tuy trong tâm trí không thể nào từ bỏ được Tiếng Việt nhưng trên giấy tờ, trên đất nước đang ở, Tiếng Việt còn đó, nhưng chữ Việt Nam mờ dần, rồi nước mưa trộn lẫn nước mắt rơi ướt, họ đổi giấy mới, bút mới, mực mới, viết 1 chữ mới...

Nhờ có Tiếng Việt, chữ Việt Nam không thể bị thay thế nhưng chữ Việt Nam bị chối bỏ đến mức tàn nhẫn...

Câu chuyện bắt đầu từ thói quen 'đúng là Việt Nam' của các cô cậu, chú, bác, dì mỗi lần có điều bức xúc là buột miệng hô lên. Nói như vậy hẳn đất nước khác họ cũng sẽ hô lên 'đúng là X', 'đúng là Y' nhưng không phải cùng 1 sự việc mà thôi. Người Việt Nam có thói quen thấy gì sai, phiền phức và xấu hổ là đổ lỗi cho 2 chữ Việt Nam vô tội mà những người Việt Nam như tôi cũng thấy cay đắng. Bởi vì tôi cũng như vậy.

Câu chuyện tiếp tục khi người Việt Nam bước ra khỏi đất nước của mình. Tấm hộ chiếu là điều đầu tiên rạng ngời có được. Là công cụ tự hào chứng minh tôi là người Việt Nam ở đất nước khác. Tôi cầm, tôi khoe với các bạn cùng trang lứa. Tôi giữ, tôi nâng niu, tôi gửi đi để mong nhận được sự chấp thuận để du lịch ở 1 nước khác. Bỗng dưng tôi vội cất vào, tôi ghìm lại, và tôi biết lý do vì tôi là người Việt Nam. Tôi nuốt, nuốt thật nhanh để giọng nói không lạc điệu, tôi nuốt nỗi cay đắng của mình, tôi nuốt chữ Việt Nam trong tôi, nhưng tôi không bao giờ có thể nuốt được Tiếng Việt...

1 ngày nào đó, chữ 'Việt Nam' trong từng mỗi người sẽ chết và thay vào đó là 4 chữ 'thuận tiện', 'giàu sang', đổi mới', và 'phát triển'

Tại thời điểm đó, chỉ cảm thấy mỉa mai thay, 1 điều gần như không thay đổi, họ vẫn sử dụng Tiếng Việt...

The Hand (updated version)

The hand
That pinches me
Hits me
Always be ready to squeeze my pimples with devilish face

The hand
That pinches my nose when another hand is holding a book to read for me
Rubs my head but never fixes after that and laugh because of the look of me
Wipes on my shirts when it's wet or something is sticking on it
And puts pepper or soya sauce into my drinks

The hand
That cheats whenever playing some game
That secretly throws meat to me and steals my mouse
Punches hippo
Throws hippo
And digs his noses

The hand
That pulls my pants
Being noty to block me from going to the toilet
Purposely hits outside to make me run while playing ping pong or badminton
That pulls my ears
And happily picks 'things' in there out for me

The hand
That plucks my legs' hair
Tickles my feet
Unties my shoelaces
As well as throwing my slippers away

But then that hand
Leads me to where I should buy another slippers
And if I've ever almost fell down
It is there to hold me tight

The hand
That covers my eyes
From violent scene, or something I'm scared of
And it silently takes my tears away
While another one is hugging me from shivering

The hand
That can't draw well neither be able to cut straight
Yet it makes for me a handmade birthday card

The hand
That captures my moments
Patiently fixes the kite
Checks if I'm inside
And finally is always silently covering blanket

The hand
That washes dishes
Cleans my fan
That buy Strepsil for noty throat
And hugs me when I am sick and no electric available

The hand
That drives me to happiness
Stops me from danger
And wraps around me just to say goodbye

The hand
That holds umbrella outside
Waiting while it was raining heavily
Keep rubbing me if I was not warm enough
And if I keep sweating due to hot
The hand is there to wipe for me

The hand
That holds my shoulders when I'm riding
Pats on me to signal me to go
Holds the helmet when it's going to fly away
Or holds a cup for me whenever I need to drink
And zips up my jacket if I ever say that I'm cold

The hand
Not hard, not dry, nor strong enough
But soft, fragile, and easy to 'run away'
Yet is the tightest and the warmest hand that I'm proud to have...